Happy ending?

We had friends over this weekend just past for a few drinks, Haigh's chocolate frogs and board games. While recounting an example† of how our recent games tended to steer themselves toward particular themes, Mrs Mean came up with this gem of a fact: "By the end of the game there was CUM on the board."

Par for the course, considering we were playing such classycs as Stephen Lynch's Lullaby and Bloodhound Gang's The Ballad of Chasey Lain on the stereo at the time.

† A picture is worth a thousand words — or, in the above example, three. My previous attempt at using a TABLE element in HTML to present the layout of the board turned out less than ideally, so I have subsequently replaced it with this photo.
Disclaimer: The photo depicts a re-enactment only.

The Complete Wrap On Stingy Gift Packaging

"I like David Jones because they give free gift wrapping (if you have a store card which gives you 3 per cent off too)," pronounced Mr Mean, better known to many as ye-of-blue-skin-and-yellow-nose. Don't let that black hair and glasses guise fool you, under that exterior lies a male of the most blueberry complexion I ever saw. It's all in the packaging.

If you're buying, as is the custom in Mean Manor, or might I put it, forced, dragged, compelled, put upon, through gritted teeth laying out a few pennies which you stole from a street bum to purchase an abhorrent thing called a "gift" (definition: item costing money for the good of someone else), it will be a cheap item, cunningly bought to look un-cheap, in the hope that recipient shall lavish you with something in return. A healthy large slice of carrot cake? A not-so-cheap gift on your birthday? A large jug of fruity shake?

Howe'er, it is outrageous that one should actually outlay money on gift wrap which, most definitely at Mean Manor, would cost more than the gift itself. Here are some tips on gift-wrapping:

1. Paper or Present? This is the option for the under-threes. It is often said, and quite truly, that young children prefer to play with the gift-wrap than actually with the present at all. In such a case, why waste time with a present. Give them some old paper. They'll appreciate your thoughtfulness and not notice that there was no teddy bear inside if you bunch up the paper nicely.

2. The "No Wrap I Want To Show This To You Personally" Option. The easiest way is not to wrap a present, but some people - frivolous types - think this is rude. The best way to pull it off is to pull it out and before they can react, instead of simply handing them the gift, guide them through it. If it's a gadget, show them the features, if it's a book or DVD, read the blurb with them. And so on. Act as if it's unwrapped for a reason. If it's food, act as if you need to get it into a fridge/cut/served immediately, so your reasons for not wrapping were practical. Your recipient will marvel at your thoughtfulness and forget about your stinginess, and you will cackle at the money you saved and breathe a deep sigh of relief.

3. The "Recycle" Option. Someone bought you a present, wrapped? Open carefully, keep paper for next year, wrap. Try to buy them smaller presents than they buy you, the paper lasts longer.

4. The "Read 'n' Wrap" Option. Old magazines and newspapers need throwing out? Hold on - they can be used as wrapping paper. Ditto bank statements, those letters saying you didn't get that interview, and those pesky letters from charities asking for more money because Mudedah from Africa is in desperate need of food and water and a dollar a day will keep him alive.

Your friends are getting that special extra from you, not only a gift but possibly an article on Britney Spears' last failed marriage. If you're feeling extra sentimental, you could tailor the reading habits of your recipients to the wrapping paper. It may be a good idea to make sure your mother doesn't get her 70th birthday present wrapped up in old editions of your subscriptions to Kinky Sexual Fetishes.

5. Of course you COULD go to David Jones and get the free gift wrapping, but what are you doing in David Jones anyway? When there's a perfectly good $2 shop around the corner?

Chinese culture week

Woe is me. The inevitable has happened: the construction of the apartment building next door, albeit having been progressing at snails' pace for well over a year, has finally caught up with me. That is, as of last Friday they have started putting up the storey that blocks the unobstructed view, from my balcony to Central Station, which I have enjoyed for the past eight years.

"In your face!" they may as well say. The noise, which invariably starts at 7 a.m. sharp, six days a week, has never been louder or more disturbing, now that it is coming from right outside my window. Just now as we slip into the Fall and it would be nice to enjoy the moderate temperatures during the day, my subconscious has taken to intoning, "Opening the window is classified M: masochistic. The breeze carries olfactory Violence, frequent coarse Language, and stray cigarette aSh," whenever I reach for the catch that locks the window.

As a token act of protest to assuage my feelings of powerlessness in the face of this affront, I have rewired the relatively mobile rear speakers on my stereo to become the front speakers, placed one on the balcony and the other facing my kitchen window, to play the four-album set of Treasury of Chinese Musical Instruments on endless repeat while I listen to something less cultured on bulky headphones. Do I delude myself in hoping that they will have moved on within the week?

Are the contents of my posts justified?

It has been a long while since I have looked under the hood and messed with HTML and style sheets. Getting the formatting of this blog right has been, and continues to be, a long process of trial-and-error, and it feels as if my IQ has dropped 10 or so points since the days of forgoing binge drinking with mates in favour of nights at the office in front of a computer…